Still Pregnant

Sigh. I know, my due date isn't for a couple of weeks, but as any woman who has been 9 mos pregnant will tell you, those couple of weeks (and the possibility of going past them) seem like ages to wait. So, below is my list of things that you take for granted when you're not pregnant, but seem like unattainable luxuries when you are.

• Shaving your legs - seriously, you try bending over the bump. I shudder to think what L&D look like from a nurses POV
• Bending over w/o spreading your legs to ballet's 2nd position sticking your butt up in the air like some sort of preposterous peacock
• Walking up stairs w/o getting winded (ok, so that sometimes happens when you're not pregnant too)
• Twisting at the waist to get something that is not exactly out to your side
• Getting off any sort of furniture, comfortable or not
• Sleeping through the night - that's right people, you actually get more sleep when you have a newborn than the last trimester of pregnancy
• Waiting longer than 5 min to pee
• Eating your own cooking - once you actually decide on what you can cook with the least amt of effort, and follow through w/ said meal, you don't want it b/c you've been smelling it the whole time and it now completely repulses you
• Carrying on a semi-intelligent conversation - mommy brain is real, did you know pregnant women's brains actually shrink? they pop back somehow, after pregnancy (supposedly) but mommy brain is not a myth, after all i have 2 bachelor's and a master's degree and i have to describe in detail what a grocery store is b/c i just can't remember the term
• Tieing shoes - see bending over
• Laughing, coughing, sneezing or other minor exclamations without wetting your pants. Nope, it's not amniotic fluid, no matter how much you want it to be
• TMI I know, but wiping w/o checking to see if maybe, just maybe, you're popping your plug and heading towards labor
• Wiping in general - see bending over and/or twisting at the waist
• Turning over in bed - you wanna know why you feel like a walrus? b/c that's how walruses turn over
• Cornering without bruising your tummy
• Washing your hands w/o leaving a giant watermark on your shirt
• Having more than 2 possible outfits from which to choose
• Avoiding people talking to you and asking very personal and intimate details about your life and the life of your family- this is hell for introverts
• Along with people you do not know talking to you, having everyone ask you stupidly obvious questions like "Hey, had that baby yet" or "Are you sure it's not twins"
• Random people feeling free to feel you up in ways that you only allowed your husband to do after marriage
• Basic grooming seems like a ridiculous waste of energy
  

I'm sure there are more, and feel free to comment w/ more, but right now mommy brain is kicking in. Again. It must be time to attempt to sleep.